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DanXIII

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Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Satan’s Cheerleaders is the Perfect Blend of Laughs and Lucifer!

Satan’s Cheerleaders (god damn, that’s a great title…this flick has a lot to live up to) begins with our gorgeous gaggle of “rah rah” heroines frolicking on the beach as a porn soundtrack cum disco anthem, with a constant refrain of ‘all for one, and one for all’, assaults our ears like nobodies business (and for a real meta moment, the cheerleaders say the phrase as the soundtrack sings it). Anyway, run time eating assery ensues for a bit before we get down to brass tacks; namely the girls get taken on an unexpected detour on their way to the ‘Big Game’ by the school’s bedazzled denim shirt wearing janitor/bus driver, who just so happens to be in charge of finding that hoary ol’ chestnut, the virgin sacrifice required for some such skullduggery by the local Satanic cult (and judging by how these foxy ladies have acted in the previous thirty minutes of film, this may be a harder task

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DanXIII
Nov 30, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Devil’s Rain is One Hell of a Great Fright Flick!

The Shat hits the fan after Mark Preston (William…Shat…ner) sees his father melt in the rain while delivering a dire warning that someone or something named Corbis is up to some sort of deviltry…literally. So, Shatner heads out across the desert to a ghost town occupied by the centuries old Corbis and his eyeless followers; a bad ass Satanic cult that can call down a cursed rain to melt their victims, but he is soon captured when he thinks his magic medallion is a snake (sometimes I have to read this shit back like four times to believe it…). Well, it’s up to Mark’s brother, his wife, and a psychic researcher to take on the Corbis Cult and hopefully end the curse placed upon the Preston family (invoked hundreds of years ago when the Preston family stole an evil tome from Corbis). Also, Ernest Borgnine turns into a goat man and John Travolta…well, he melts. Filled to the brim with

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 27, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Beyond the Seventh Door Lies a Fright Flick Well Worth Watching

Beyond the Seventh Door begins with one long ass montage of career criminal Boris (who’s hat is festooned with a large yellow “B” just so we can remember who he is, although how we could forget a man that looks like the unholy union of Billy Drago and Angus Young is beyond me). Anyway, Big B convinces his girlfriend to help him rob her Scrooge McDuck of a boss…which should be easy for a seasoned pro like Boris, but the fact that the boss’ treasure is hidden within a trap laden castle makes things a P.H. more tricky. In a case of being right on the nose; our “heroes” have to traverse six deadly rooms before they can claim the fortune that lies…beyond the seventh door (cue thunder crashing). Made for roughly the same price as a plate of poutine (and comin’ from the same Great White North), and starring a man, Lazar Rockwood by name, that would make the

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DanXIII
Nov 25, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review Kepler’s Dream is Not Nightmare Fuel, But It’s Charming

Hey, ol’ Danny XIII can be as sensitive as the next creep or ghoul, at least that’s what I tell myself when I try and figure out why I would be sent a sentimental family flick (with a dash of the ‘whodunit’ sprinkled on top) to feast my putrid peepers upon. Regardless, sent the film I was, so revoltin’ review I’ll do! Eleven year old Ella is sent to live with her grandmother (whom she has never met) on a ranch in New Mexico after her mother gets cancer (and her Father is too busy working to properly care for her). While at the ranch she befriends ranch hand Miguel and his daughter Rosie…she also gets to help solve the mystery of who pinched a book from her bibliophile Nana’s collection of moldie-oldie tomes (in this case a book that holds sentimental value due to it’s connection to Elle’s dead grandfather). As the search continues on, the body count rises

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 24, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Down/The Lift Are the Best Killer Elevator Flicks You Will See (This Week)

When the elevators in the Millennium Building in ol Manhattan Towne begin to malfunction (and by malfunction, I mean go completely ape shit and murder everyone in sight), elevator repairman Mark and plucky journalist Jennifer are off and running to solve the mystery (with little help from the police assigned to the case). So what could be causing this strange “mechanical failure”? Well, let’s just say that the elevators have a life of their own thanks to some experimental technology, and before long the entire building is quarantined by the U.S. Government as the body count grows to absolutely ludicrous proportions. Much Aerosmith and bloodletting ensue. Good lord, Down is one delirious fright flick! It’s absolutely packed to the rafters with gloriously gory set pieces, a creepy cornucopia of genre veteran cameos (Michael Ironside, Ron Perlman, Dan Hedaya, Edward Herrmann), dodgy New Yawk accents, and a heaping helping of good ol’ cheese the likes of which hasn’t been seen on

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 22, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Old Dark House is One Place Worth Visiting

There isn’t anything quite like the cinematic comfort food feeling of wrapping your eyeballs up in a good ol’ Universal Pictures classic fright flick, and baby let me tell ya, they don’t come as classic as James Whale’s 1932 ghouls n’ giggles shocker The Old Dark House! The story for The Old Dark House concerns a sall group of rain soaked travelers seeking refuge from the deluge in…you guessed it, an old dark house! At said house they are greeted by a scared, mumbling man servant named Morgan (a heavily made up Boris Karloff) who allows them entry where they encounter the effete Horace Femm and his partially deaf sister Rebecca…two whirlwinds of off-kilter eccentricity that eventually allow our heroes to stay…but is that better than facing the storm? I’m going to go with a rock solid “no”, as the manse is chock-a-block with moldy-oldie family secrets that become a real problem after Morgan gets blotto and releases Saul Femm…a

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 21, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Talon Falls Falls Short of Being a Slasher Classic

A group of attractive folks head out on the road to a rural locale and are murdered one by one. What am I watching? Wrong Turn? The Hills Have Eyes? Nah, we both know it’s the new fright flick Talon Falls (unless you can’t read…wait, if you can’t read how did you get this far?!!)…an exercise in torture porn tedium! And were off to the races… So, yeah…teens, road, hick town…you get the drift. So what is the unique Mcguffin here? Why how about the fact that once in town the gang of goofs decide to attend the local haunted attraction full of grizzly exhibits that seem a touch too real. Before you can say The Houses October Built (1 and 2), our heroes are systematically bound, gagged, and eliminated by a gang of hulking psychos. Who will survive, and what will be left of them and all that… Well, let’s try and find something nice to say about Talon

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 20, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Lilith’s Hell is a Devilishly Good Found Footage Flick

Two words for ya: found footage. All right, who’s still with me…hmm, a lot less of you then before that’s for damn sure. Now while the genre definitely is showing signs of fatigue, I for one think there are new and creative (or at the bare bones minimum “entertaining”) things you can do with the formula…let’s see if the maker’s of today’s review Lilith’s Hell managed to work any magic with the ol’ hoary chestnut… Three film makin’ pals traverse the countryside just outside of Rome to arrive at a remote house with the goal of making an artsy fartsy fright flick. After the arrival of Michelle, the lead actress of their piece, and her make-up artist, events begin going supernaturally south with alarming speed, as things begin to go bump (and moan) in the night. Our gang investigates with the end result of Michelle becoming the Devil’s concubine and playing host to a demonic entity that begins tearing into

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 19, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Other Halves is Half a Good Flick

Peep this shizz oh grizzly ghouls; Other Halves tells the story of a revolutionary new dating app…an app that matches folks automatically based on your online history…good lord, how many people would be matched up with midgets on horses? Just me? Fuuuuu…. Anyway, we are introduced to our scrappy group of young programmers who are charged with sorting out a few teeny, tiny, bugs in the software before launch…you know, bugs that have users turning into unbelievably horny murder machines…no biggie. On the upside, the story is fast paced, there’s some blood and naked flesh thrown about (male and female for a change), and the satirical elements of the story (including jabs at social media, apps, and horror tropes) manages to be effective without being overly “wink wink”. Also of note is the effective use of location as the film takes place inside the offices of the tech start up working on the app. Does this belie the film’s low

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 13, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Be My Cat: A Film for Anne Will Scratch Your Found Footage Itch

Do you like found footage flicks? How about Anne Hathaway? I just know you answered “yes” to those, so let me tell ya my creeps, the picture I’n going to look at should really float your ol’ beastly boat as it definitely gets the FF chocolate dipped well in good in that Annie peanut butter…wait, that sounds off…anyway; review! Be My Cat: A Film for Anne tells the story, via a series of video diaries, of an enthusiastic young film maker named Adrian who gets it in his nutty noggin that he can score Anne Hathaway to star in his pending motion picture. In order to convince her, he shoots some footage of a few local thespians performing what he wants Anne to do in the finished picture. Well, as you would guess, it’s just ninety minutes of comely young ladies reading sides on camera…the end. Oh, wait, there’s chloroform, ropes, knives, and a plan to change the world by

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 12, 2017

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Satan’s Cheerleaders is the Perfect Blend of Laughs and Lucifer!

Satan’s Cheerleaders (god damn, that’s a great title…this flick has a lot to live up to) begins with our gorgeous gaggle of “rah rah” heroines frolicking on the beach as a porn soundtrack cum disco anthem, with a constant refrain of ‘all for one, and one for all’, assaults our ears like nobodies business (and for a real meta moment, the cheerleaders say the phrase as the soundtrack sings it). Anyway, run time eating assery ensues for a bit before we get down to brass tacks; namely the girls get taken on an unexpected detour on their way to the ‘Big Game’ by the school’s bedazzled denim shirt wearing janitor/bus driver, who just so happens to be in charge of finding that hoary ol’ chestnut, the virgin sacrifice required for some such skullduggery by the local Satanic cult (and judging by how these foxy ladies have acted in the previous thirty minutes of film, this may be a harder task

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 30, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Devil’s Rain is One Hell of a Great Fright Flick!

The Shat hits the fan after Mark Preston (William…Shat…ner) sees his father melt in the rain while delivering a dire warning that someone or something named Corbis is up to some sort of deviltry…literally. So, Shatner heads out across the desert to a ghost town occupied by the centuries old Corbis and his eyeless followers; a bad ass Satanic cult that can call down a cursed rain to melt their victims, but he is soon captured when he thinks his magic medallion is a snake (sometimes I have to read this shit back like four times to believe it…). Well, it’s up to Mark’s brother, his wife, and a psychic researcher to take on the Corbis Cult and hopefully end the curse placed upon the Preston family (invoked hundreds of years ago when the Preston family stole an evil tome from Corbis). Also, Ernest Borgnine turns into a goat man and John Travolta…well, he melts. Filled to the brim with

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 27, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Beyond the Seventh Door Lies a Fright Flick Well Worth Watching

Beyond the Seventh Door begins with one long ass montage of career criminal Boris (who’s hat is festooned with a large yellow “B” just so we can remember who he is, although how we could forget a man that looks like the unholy union of Billy Drago and Angus Young is beyond me). Anyway, Big B convinces his girlfriend to help him rob her Scrooge McDuck of a boss…which should be easy for a seasoned pro like Boris, but the fact that the boss’ treasure is hidden within a trap laden castle makes things a P.H. more tricky. In a case of being right on the nose; our “heroes” have to traverse six deadly rooms before they can claim the fortune that lies…beyond the seventh door (cue thunder crashing). Made for roughly the same price as a plate of poutine (and comin’ from the same Great White North), and starring a man, Lazar Rockwood by name, that would make the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 25, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review Kepler’s Dream is Not Nightmare Fuel, But It’s Charming

Hey, ol’ Danny XIII can be as sensitive as the next creep or ghoul, at least that’s what I tell myself when I try and figure out why I would be sent a sentimental family flick (with a dash of the ‘whodunit’ sprinkled on top) to feast my putrid peepers upon. Regardless, sent the film I was, so revoltin’ review I’ll do! Eleven year old Ella is sent to live with her grandmother (whom she has never met) on a ranch in New Mexico after her mother gets cancer (and her Father is too busy working to properly care for her). While at the ranch she befriends ranch hand Miguel and his daughter Rosie…she also gets to help solve the mystery of who pinched a book from her bibliophile Nana’s collection of moldie-oldie tomes (in this case a book that holds sentimental value due to it’s connection to Elle’s dead grandfather). As the search continues on, the body count rises

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 24, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Down/The Lift Are the Best Killer Elevator Flicks You Will See (This Week)

When the elevators in the Millennium Building in ol Manhattan Towne begin to malfunction (and by malfunction, I mean go completely ape shit and murder everyone in sight), elevator repairman Mark and plucky journalist Jennifer are off and running to solve the mystery (with little help from the police assigned to the case). So what could be causing this strange “mechanical failure”? Well, let’s just say that the elevators have a life of their own thanks to some experimental technology, and before long the entire building is quarantined by the U.S. Government as the body count grows to absolutely ludicrous proportions. Much Aerosmith and bloodletting ensue. Good lord, Down is one delirious fright flick! It’s absolutely packed to the rafters with gloriously gory set pieces, a creepy cornucopia of genre veteran cameos (Michael Ironside, Ron Perlman, Dan Hedaya, Edward Herrmann), dodgy New Yawk accents, and a heaping helping of good ol’ cheese the likes of which hasn’t been seen on

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 22, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Old Dark House is One Place Worth Visiting

There isn’t anything quite like the cinematic comfort food feeling of wrapping your eyeballs up in a good ol’ Universal Pictures classic fright flick, and baby let me tell ya, they don’t come as classic as James Whale’s 1932 ghouls n’ giggles shocker The Old Dark House! The story for The Old Dark House concerns a sall group of rain soaked travelers seeking refuge from the deluge in…you guessed it, an old dark house! At said house they are greeted by a scared, mumbling man servant named Morgan (a heavily made up Boris Karloff) who allows them entry where they encounter the effete Horace Femm and his partially deaf sister Rebecca…two whirlwinds of off-kilter eccentricity that eventually allow our heroes to stay…but is that better than facing the storm? I’m going to go with a rock solid “no”, as the manse is chock-a-block with moldy-oldie family secrets that become a real problem after Morgan gets blotto and releases Saul Femm…a

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 21, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Talon Falls Falls Short of Being a Slasher Classic

A group of attractive folks head out on the road to a rural locale and are murdered one by one. What am I watching? Wrong Turn? The Hills Have Eyes? Nah, we both know it’s the new fright flick Talon Falls (unless you can’t read…wait, if you can’t read how did you get this far?!!)…an exercise in torture porn tedium! And were off to the races… So, yeah…teens, road, hick town…you get the drift. So what is the unique Mcguffin here? Why how about the fact that once in town the gang of goofs decide to attend the local haunted attraction full of grizzly exhibits that seem a touch too real. Before you can say The Houses October Built (1 and 2), our heroes are systematically bound, gagged, and eliminated by a gang of hulking psychos. Who will survive, and what will be left of them and all that… Well, let’s try and find something nice to say about Talon

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 20, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Lilith’s Hell is a Devilishly Good Found Footage Flick

Two words for ya: found footage. All right, who’s still with me…hmm, a lot less of you then before that’s for damn sure. Now while the genre definitely is showing signs of fatigue, I for one think there are new and creative (or at the bare bones minimum “entertaining”) things you can do with the formula…let’s see if the maker’s of today’s review Lilith’s Hell managed to work any magic with the ol’ hoary chestnut… Three film makin’ pals traverse the countryside just outside of Rome to arrive at a remote house with the goal of making an artsy fartsy fright flick. After the arrival of Michelle, the lead actress of their piece, and her make-up artist, events begin going supernaturally south with alarming speed, as things begin to go bump (and moan) in the night. Our gang investigates with the end result of Michelle becoming the Devil’s concubine and playing host to a demonic entity that begins tearing into

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 19, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Other Halves is Half a Good Flick

Peep this shizz oh grizzly ghouls; Other Halves tells the story of a revolutionary new dating app…an app that matches folks automatically based on your online history…good lord, how many people would be matched up with midgets on horses? Just me? Fuuuuu…. Anyway, we are introduced to our scrappy group of young programmers who are charged with sorting out a few teeny, tiny, bugs in the software before launch…you know, bugs that have users turning into unbelievably horny murder machines…no biggie. On the upside, the story is fast paced, there’s some blood and naked flesh thrown about (male and female for a change), and the satirical elements of the story (including jabs at social media, apps, and horror tropes) manages to be effective without being overly “wink wink”. Also of note is the effective use of location as the film takes place inside the offices of the tech start up working on the app. Does this belie the film’s low

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 13, 2017
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Be My Cat: A Film for Anne Will Scratch Your Found Footage Itch

Do you like found footage flicks? How about Anne Hathaway? I just know you answered “yes” to those, so let me tell ya my creeps, the picture I’n going to look at should really float your ol’ beastly boat as it definitely gets the FF chocolate dipped well in good in that Annie peanut butter…wait, that sounds off…anyway; review! Be My Cat: A Film for Anne tells the story, via a series of video diaries, of an enthusiastic young film maker named Adrian who gets it in his nutty noggin that he can score Anne Hathaway to star in his pending motion picture. In order to convince her, he shoots some footage of a few local thespians performing what he wants Anne to do in the finished picture. Well, as you would guess, it’s just ninety minutes of comely young ladies reading sides on camera…the end. Oh, wait, there’s chloroform, ropes, knives, and a plan to change the world by

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Nov 12, 2017
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