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DanXIII

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Movie Review: Homework (1982) – Unearthed Films Blu-ray

Homework begins the only way it could, with perpetually horny teen/aspiring rock star Tommy (Michael Morgan) shirking math problems to dream about an adult magazine photoshoot while some sort of New York Dolls pastiche plays in the background before the whole affair ends on a ridiculous freeze frame. After being a creeper and spying on the girl’s locker room, and ogling the new French teacher the school shrink confirms Tommy is horny… well, now it’s official… Anyway, before long Tommy begins recruiting his friends into filling slots on his Jukebox Hero dreams, but they have business of their own to contend with; for example his gal pal Sheila would rather pursue her pro swimmer aspirations, and his best friend Ralph (Lanny Horn) is preoccupied with that aforementioned teacher… although his pals Mix (Mark Brown) and Cookie (Renee Harris) are into it hardcore, even if Cookie’s strict father (Bill Knight) isn’t. To be fair, they have a hell of a draw

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 4, 2024

Movie Review: Crocodile (1979) – Synapse Blu-ray

After a series of freak un-natural disasters pound coastal Thailand to absolute shit, a giant crocodile crawls from fuck knows where and begins eating the various citizenry of water-side towns. Enter: Dr. Tony Akom (Nard Poowanai) and his pal John (Min Oo); two dudes who’s spouses… and in one case daughter… are devoured by that toothsome terror which sets the men on a little mission to put the hurt on that scaly fucker but good! To that end they enlist the help of grizzled sailor/possible early ’80s NYC LeatherDaddy Tanaka (Kirk Warren) and before you can say “Amity Island” the group (eventually joined by a Third Act comedy relief photographer character) begin the hunt to end the monster before he eats even more people… good luck fellas! Crocodile had me hooked right from the beginning with an impressive depiction of nearly supernatural storms and their destructive powers realized through sweet miniature work, tank effects, and animated lightning strikes… I eat

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 4, 2024

Movie Review: Blood and Snow (2023) – Cleopatra DVD

Check this one out cats n’ creeps… A meteor crashes in the artic that harbors an alien force… a force that can mimic human beings and is hell bent on bringing all sorts of space madness to a group of isolated scientists at a remote, snowbound facility. I know what you are thinking, this has to be an uncredited adaptation of 1938 John W. Campbell Jr. novella Who Goes There?… well it’s certainly that whether it admits it or not, but the more obvious inspiration to fright fans would be John Carpenters’ 1982 masterpiece, The Thing, an adaptation of the same (and itself a re-imagining of the 1951 Howard Hawkes version of Campbell’s tale The Thing From Another World). So yeah, we got a derivative tale here, which can be perfectly fine if something new and exciting is done with the material… but unfortunately Jesse Palangio’s Blood and Snow is absolutely power slammed by it’s budget making it impossible to

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 4, 2024

Movie Review: The Crippled Masters (1979) – Film Masters Blu-ray

This is going to be a Grade-A fuckin’ nuts… Just by looking at that title up there you can tell if this is for you… and if you will be offended by it, which admittedly I’m sure there’s something here to displease most… also this is (probably) the first review where I have to emphatically state that I am not a doctor, so I’ll have to describe… oh fuck this, here we go! So 1979’s The Crippled Masters begins the way it should, with our main men strutting their bizarre, yet impressive stuff under the opening credits. Here we see Lee Ho (Frankie Shum), a man with but one arm… but it’s incredibly small and contains only a few fingers… and let me tell you, this fella is dynamite with a bow staff. We also meet Tang (Jackie Conn), a dude with emaciated legs that, and I shit you not, launches himself from a skateboard to land backwards on Lee’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 4, 2024

Movie Review: Sting (2024) – Well Go USA Blu-ray

A diminutive comet hurtles through the steel-gray New York City winter sky before crash landing in an apartment building (where it comes to rest in a dollhouse) where it promptly cracks open revealing it was an egg containing a small spider… a spider that is found by a young girl named Charlotte (Alyla Browne). Charlotte takes her new pet home… to the apartment she shares with her mother, Heather (Penelope Mitchell), infant sibling, Liam, and building superintendent/comic book artist step-father Ethan (Ryan Corr)… and names her new friend Sting. So, space-spider Sting is actually super smart as well, which would be fine and dandy if she didn’t apply that insidious intelligence to facilitate feeding on the dwelling’s residents (as well as any exterminator stupid enough to get in her way)… oh and she’s growing… and growing… So much so, that things look rather dire for those that call the building home! Coming from Writer/Director Kiah Roache-Turner (who brought us the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 3, 2024

Movie/Show Reviews: Severin’s New Sherlock Holmes Releases (1962/1968) – Blu-ray

Coming your way from our fiendish friends at Severin are a duo of Blu-ray releases featuring legendary literary Detective, Sherlock Holmes!First up comes 1962’s Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace: Who do you call when Cleopatra’s priceless necklace turns up missing? Well, the Egyptian authorities should be number one I guess, but freakin’ Sherlock Holmes is definitely probably on that list somewhere… As fate would have it, Holmes (Sir Christopher Lee… I’m sure everyone knows this legend, but just in case think Hammer Films’ Dracula flicks) is indeed called in, along with Dr. Watson (Thorley Walters) and the two quickly begin their famous sleuthin’ bag. Before long the trail leads to the infamous Dr. Moriarty (Hans Söhnker), who has set-up sinister shop under the guise of being a respectable archaeologist, which will definitely screw up Holmes’ investigation six ways to Sunday! Directed by Hammer mainstay Terence Fisher (who just so happened to direct a few of those aforementioned Dracula pictures

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 3, 2024

Movie Review: Child’s Play (2019) – Scream Factory 4K/Blu-ray combo

Young mother Karen (Aubrey Plaza) has it tough all over. She’s moved to the city with her son Andy (Gabriel Bateman) who is having a shit of a time adjusting to his new environs, she has a rather shitty boyfriend, and her department store job is a real drag… so a bummer convention through and through. What is the hottest selling item at the store ol’ K-dawg toils away at I don’t hear you ask? Why the Buddi doll of course, a robotic best friend for children that our heroine manages to snag for free after blackmailing a member of the returns department. Of course, Karen has no idea that this particular Buddi doll, Chucky by name, has had each and every safety protocol removed from it’s circuits by a disgruntled worker before he splats himself into the street pizza Hall of Fame. After a bit of disinterest, Andy grows to really enjoy Chucky’s company, and even manages to befriend

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 1, 2024

Movie Review: Arena Wars (2024)

In the very near future, everyone is absolutely balls deep into Arena Wars; the game show where convicts can earn their freedom if they survive the onslaught of a ghoulish gaggle of murderous madmen (and women)… well at least they used to be into it, but the contest has been one sided… what with those sinister stalkers being armed to the nines and all… for so long that things are getting a bit long in the tooth. Enter: Luke Bender (John Wells), an ex-marine serving a totally rational 200 year sentence for a crime he had nothing to do with after all, which gives him plenty of motivation to win this particular contest of champions, so before you can say Bachman Books we’re off and runnin’, man! Now of course comparisons between this film’s narrative, and Arnie’s 1987 masterpiece (and by association Stephen King’s 1982 novel of the same name written under his Richard Bachman pen-name) are going to be

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 30, 2024

Movie Review: Realm of Shadows (2024)

Who got their relationship hoo-ha all mixed-up with supernatural shenanigans? Well the new anthology from filmmaker Jimmy Drain, Realm of Shadows for one… and lucky for you cats n’ creeps that’s the feature I’ll be slappin’ my putrid peepers on and given the ol’ standard substandard revoltin’ review treatment! After we are introduced to the Sisters of the Moon; a gaggle of gals, lead by the devilish Nalum (Erika Monet), hell bent on relating their visions of the battle for men’s souls as they struggle to obtain the mystical… and apparently pretty damn powerful Dagger of Destiny… from some priest-types. These visions form the basis of the stories presented for our vicious viewing pleasure! We are soon introduced to Malick (Drain), a dude with the hots for multiple ladies, which of course leads to raucous results once he makes his preternatural pick, followed by a journey into a relationship influenced by those witches mmentioned up yonder… so again, expect decidedly

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2024

Movie Review: Cemetery Man (1994) – Severin 4k/Blu-ray Combo

Michele Soavi’s (1987’s StageFright, 1989’s The Church) 1994 adaptation of Tiziano Sclavi’s Gothic novel Dellamorte Dellamore concerns the misadventures of one Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett, My Best Friend’s Wedding) the caretaker of the local cemetery of the small, largely unpopulated town of Buffalora. While you would surmise that this would be a quiet, perhaps even boring job, there’s one catch… anyone buried within it’s confines comes back to life after seven days and must be put back down and made double dead before they can enjoy eternal rest. Helping Francesco with his daily routine is the child-like, mentally disabled Gnaghi (François Hadji-Lazaro), an incredibly sweet and helpful gentle giant who speaks only one word, “Gna” which can mean a multitude of things which only our hero can decipher. Things go from bizarre to surreal when Francesco falls for She (Anna Falchi), the widow of a rich ol’ coot who is obsessed with the dead. Eventually she is bitten by her

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 1, 2024

More from DanXIII

Movie Review: Homework (1982) – Unearthed Films Blu-ray

Homework begins the only way it could, with perpetually horny teen/aspiring rock star Tommy (Michael Morgan) shirking math problems to dream about an adult magazine photoshoot while some sort of New York Dolls pastiche plays in the background before the whole affair ends on a ridiculous freeze frame. After being a creeper and spying on the girl’s locker room, and ogling the new French teacher the school shrink confirms Tommy is horny… well, now it’s official… Anyway, before long Tommy begins recruiting his friends into filling slots on his Jukebox Hero dreams, but they have business of their own to contend with; for example his gal pal Sheila would rather pursue her pro swimmer aspirations, and his best friend Ralph (Lanny Horn) is preoccupied with that aforementioned teacher… although his pals Mix (Mark Brown) and Cookie (Renee Harris) are into it hardcore, even if Cookie’s strict father (Bill Knight) isn’t. To be fair, they have a hell of a draw

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 4, 2024

Movie Review: Crocodile (1979) – Synapse Blu-ray

After a series of freak un-natural disasters pound coastal Thailand to absolute shit, a giant crocodile crawls from fuck knows where and begins eating the various citizenry of water-side towns. Enter: Dr. Tony Akom (Nard Poowanai) and his pal John (Min Oo); two dudes who’s spouses… and in one case daughter… are devoured by that toothsome terror which sets the men on a little mission to put the hurt on that scaly fucker but good! To that end they enlist the help of grizzled sailor/possible early ’80s NYC LeatherDaddy Tanaka (Kirk Warren) and before you can say “Amity Island” the group (eventually joined by a Third Act comedy relief photographer character) begin the hunt to end the monster before he eats even more people… good luck fellas! Crocodile had me hooked right from the beginning with an impressive depiction of nearly supernatural storms and their destructive powers realized through sweet miniature work, tank effects, and animated lightning strikes… I eat

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 4, 2024

Movie Review: Blood and Snow (2023) – Cleopatra DVD

Check this one out cats n’ creeps… A meteor crashes in the artic that harbors an alien force… a force that can mimic human beings and is hell bent on bringing all sorts of space madness to a group of isolated scientists at a remote, snowbound facility. I know what you are thinking, this has to be an uncredited adaptation of 1938 John W. Campbell Jr. novella Who Goes There?… well it’s certainly that whether it admits it or not, but the more obvious inspiration to fright fans would be John Carpenters’ 1982 masterpiece, The Thing, an adaptation of the same (and itself a re-imagining of the 1951 Howard Hawkes version of Campbell’s tale The Thing From Another World). So yeah, we got a derivative tale here, which can be perfectly fine if something new and exciting is done with the material… but unfortunately Jesse Palangio’s Blood and Snow is absolutely power slammed by it’s budget making it impossible to

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 4, 2024

Movie Review: The Crippled Masters (1979) – Film Masters Blu-ray

This is going to be a Grade-A fuckin’ nuts… Just by looking at that title up there you can tell if this is for you… and if you will be offended by it, which admittedly I’m sure there’s something here to displease most… also this is (probably) the first review where I have to emphatically state that I am not a doctor, so I’ll have to describe… oh fuck this, here we go! So 1979’s The Crippled Masters begins the way it should, with our main men strutting their bizarre, yet impressive stuff under the opening credits. Here we see Lee Ho (Frankie Shum), a man with but one arm… but it’s incredibly small and contains only a few fingers… and let me tell you, this fella is dynamite with a bow staff. We also meet Tang (Jackie Conn), a dude with emaciated legs that, and I shit you not, launches himself from a skateboard to land backwards on Lee’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 4, 2024

Movie Review: Sting (2024) – Well Go USA Blu-ray

A diminutive comet hurtles through the steel-gray New York City winter sky before crash landing in an apartment building (where it comes to rest in a dollhouse) where it promptly cracks open revealing it was an egg containing a small spider… a spider that is found by a young girl named Charlotte (Alyla Browne). Charlotte takes her new pet home… to the apartment she shares with her mother, Heather (Penelope Mitchell), infant sibling, Liam, and building superintendent/comic book artist step-father Ethan (Ryan Corr)… and names her new friend Sting. So, space-spider Sting is actually super smart as well, which would be fine and dandy if she didn’t apply that insidious intelligence to facilitate feeding on the dwelling’s residents (as well as any exterminator stupid enough to get in her way)… oh and she’s growing… and growing… So much so, that things look rather dire for those that call the building home! Coming from Writer/Director Kiah Roache-Turner (who brought us the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 3, 2024

Movie/Show Reviews: Severin’s New Sherlock Holmes Releases (1962/1968) – Blu-ray

Coming your way from our fiendish friends at Severin are a duo of Blu-ray releases featuring legendary literary Detective, Sherlock Holmes!First up comes 1962’s Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace: Who do you call when Cleopatra’s priceless necklace turns up missing? Well, the Egyptian authorities should be number one I guess, but freakin’ Sherlock Holmes is definitely probably on that list somewhere… As fate would have it, Holmes (Sir Christopher Lee… I’m sure everyone knows this legend, but just in case think Hammer Films’ Dracula flicks) is indeed called in, along with Dr. Watson (Thorley Walters) and the two quickly begin their famous sleuthin’ bag. Before long the trail leads to the infamous Dr. Moriarty (Hans Söhnker), who has set-up sinister shop under the guise of being a respectable archaeologist, which will definitely screw up Holmes’ investigation six ways to Sunday! Directed by Hammer mainstay Terence Fisher (who just so happened to direct a few of those aforementioned Dracula pictures

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 3, 2024

Movie Review: Child’s Play (2019) – Scream Factory 4K/Blu-ray combo

Young mother Karen (Aubrey Plaza) has it tough all over. She’s moved to the city with her son Andy (Gabriel Bateman) who is having a shit of a time adjusting to his new environs, she has a rather shitty boyfriend, and her department store job is a real drag… so a bummer convention through and through. What is the hottest selling item at the store ol’ K-dawg toils away at I don’t hear you ask? Why the Buddi doll of course, a robotic best friend for children that our heroine manages to snag for free after blackmailing a member of the returns department. Of course, Karen has no idea that this particular Buddi doll, Chucky by name, has had each and every safety protocol removed from it’s circuits by a disgruntled worker before he splats himself into the street pizza Hall of Fame. After a bit of disinterest, Andy grows to really enjoy Chucky’s company, and even manages to befriend

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jul 1, 2024

Movie Review: Arena Wars (2024)

In the very near future, everyone is absolutely balls deep into Arena Wars; the game show where convicts can earn their freedom if they survive the onslaught of a ghoulish gaggle of murderous madmen (and women)… well at least they used to be into it, but the contest has been one sided… what with those sinister stalkers being armed to the nines and all… for so long that things are getting a bit long in the tooth. Enter: Luke Bender (John Wells), an ex-marine serving a totally rational 200 year sentence for a crime he had nothing to do with after all, which gives him plenty of motivation to win this particular contest of champions, so before you can say Bachman Books we’re off and runnin’, man! Now of course comparisons between this film’s narrative, and Arnie’s 1987 masterpiece (and by association Stephen King’s 1982 novel of the same name written under his Richard Bachman pen-name) are going to be

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 30, 2024

Movie Review: Realm of Shadows (2024)

Who got their relationship hoo-ha all mixed-up with supernatural shenanigans? Well the new anthology from filmmaker Jimmy Drain, Realm of Shadows for one… and lucky for you cats n’ creeps that’s the feature I’ll be slappin’ my putrid peepers on and given the ol’ standard substandard revoltin’ review treatment! After we are introduced to the Sisters of the Moon; a gaggle of gals, lead by the devilish Nalum (Erika Monet), hell bent on relating their visions of the battle for men’s souls as they struggle to obtain the mystical… and apparently pretty damn powerful Dagger of Destiny… from some priest-types. These visions form the basis of the stories presented for our vicious viewing pleasure! We are soon introduced to Malick (Drain), a dude with the hots for multiple ladies, which of course leads to raucous results once he makes his preternatural pick, followed by a journey into a relationship influenced by those witches mmentioned up yonder… so again, expect decidedly

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 6, 2024

Movie Review: Cemetery Man (1994) – Severin 4k/Blu-ray Combo

Michele Soavi’s (1987’s StageFright, 1989’s The Church) 1994 adaptation of Tiziano Sclavi’s Gothic novel Dellamorte Dellamore concerns the misadventures of one Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett, My Best Friend’s Wedding) the caretaker of the local cemetery of the small, largely unpopulated town of Buffalora. While you would surmise that this would be a quiet, perhaps even boring job, there’s one catch… anyone buried within it’s confines comes back to life after seven days and must be put back down and made double dead before they can enjoy eternal rest. Helping Francesco with his daily routine is the child-like, mentally disabled Gnaghi (François Hadji-Lazaro), an incredibly sweet and helpful gentle giant who speaks only one word, “Gna” which can mean a multitude of things which only our hero can decipher. Things go from bizarre to surreal when Francesco falls for She (Anna Falchi), the widow of a rich ol’ coot who is obsessed with the dead. Eventually she is bitten by her

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 1, 2024
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