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DanXIII

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Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Jurassic Games (2018)

Sometimes I can’t even believe the things I have to type for this column…like this for instance: In the future, death row convicts are forced to compete in a virtual reality game show called The Jurassic Games, where they have to fight dinosaurs to win their freedom…so, this is The Running Man with dinosaurs…this may actually be genius (I mean someone is eaten by a T-rex before even five minutes have passed, so that is a good sign). Alliances and rivalries are formed among the convicts, dinosaurs eat people, and even more story elements are lifted wholesale from the Schwarzenegger classic (including corruption behind the scenes of the games, the “hero” convict being wrongfully accused, merch of the show being advertised during the broadcast…and on and on). Look, no one is ever going to say The Jurassic Games is original (and if they do they may need serious psychiatric help), but I’ll be damned if the film isn’t entertaining. It’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 10, 2018
Horror Fuel

Short Film Review: Panther Ridge (2018)

Panther Ridge concerns the fateful night a young acolyte descends into the BDSM underground…and what starts as a fairly rote bondage and knife play scenario, soon spins massively out of control into a level of violence that goes beyond mere sexual gratification and straight into “Holy fuck, you people are out of your goddamned minds” in the blink of an eye (and flash of the blade). Coming from Writer/Director Ryan Swantek, Panther Ridge is an enigmatic and shockingly violent short subject. Clocking in at just over six minutes, the film introduces us to both a novice dominatrix, and her seasoned mentor, not to mention a well dressed man that seems to be guiding the operation…but who he is, who is watching the live feed (the entire event is being filmed by an obsidian camera that almost becomes a character itself, besides being a rather ominous phallic symbol), and other questions are never answered…which could be frustrating if handled poorly, but

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 10, 2018
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Mad Foxes (1981)

Mad Foxes begins with Easy Rocker from Krokus blaring from the speakers…we may be off to something special here fiends… As far as what follows that sonic assault, it goes a lil’ something like this: Middle aged Hal is driving his (freshly turned) 18 year-old girlfriend out on a date in order to wine and dine her so she will let him be the one to ‘break the seal’ if you know what I mean (and if that bit of crass purple prose wasn’t clear enough for ya, the lady sits underneath a giant tacky painting of an oozing chocolate covered cherry), when he absolutely murders a Nazi biker, as one does. Of course that biker had equally as Nazi pals (at least indoors…their armbands have no swastikas in exterior shots, but they appear as if by magic inside) who arrive and beat the hell out of Hal and rape his girlfriend. Hal then naturally enlists a squad of martial

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 9, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Goran (2016)

Pity poor Goran (Franjo Dijak); all he wants to do is drink (a lot), drive his cab in the tiny isolated snow bound Croatian village he calls home, and hang out in a cabin with his BFF (Goran Bogdan) gettin’ his soak on…but unfortunately, his non-stop nag of a blind wife, Lina (Natasa Janjic) makes that increasingly difficult. Things carry on as usual until Lina announces she is pregnant, which goes over like a fart in a submarine for our hero, as he believes the child may not actually be his, but rather his sauna sittin’ pal mentioned previous. Well push comes to shove (literally) with disastrous results, and after a chemically enhanced Birthday party things get completely out of hand (read: incredibly violent and oh so very, very wrong)! Goran plays out like a relationship/family drama for nearly forty out of it’s eighty two minutes of run time (with credits), but then things go so incredibly south so incredibly

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 4, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Selfie From Hell (2018)

When pro-vlogger Julia (Meelah Adams) arrives in the states from Germany to visit her cousin Hannah (Alyson Walker) she brings a few things along for the trip…like the ability to cry sideways, and a strange shadowy figure that haunts her selfies, oh, and let’s not forget the ability to send text messages without using her god damned phone because she’s seemingly possessed, and also some sort of infection (that one is reasonable at least)…seriously; I’d ask this bitch to leave about 2 millifarts (it’s a real measurement…and it’s mega short believe me…I’m a reviewer, I know things…) after she walked across my threshold. Anyway, Hannah is a better person than your’s cruelly and instead plays nursemaid to her sickly/haunted cuz…while also launching into a full on Nancy Drew to search all of the deep (web), dark (net) online secrets Julia is keeping…mainly that she got involved in some seriously F’d up crap on a part of the internet none should

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 2, 2018
Horror Fuel

Short Film Review: My Monster (2018)

It’s always a good day here in the Crypt O’ XIII when I get to slap my putrid peepers on a new film from Izzy Lee (creator of one of my favorite short fright flicks of all time; Innsmouth), so let’s take a look at her new picture; My Monster! My Monster tells the Yuletide-set tale of Lily (Brea Grant) and her well-meaning lunkhead of a partner Rob (Adam Egypt Mortimer) who must contend with the fact that our heroine is having some seriously disturbing visions…namely of a figure calling to her from outside of her window each night. Well come to find out, this is no mere apparition, rather it is a creature from another dimension who has arrived on our plane of existence with a sinister purpose, that once fulfilled leads to delightfully absurd results! Filled with great paradigm shifting story elements, a cool, practically realized monster, a strong cast, and an unexpected sense of fun; My Monster

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 1, 2018
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Robot Wars (1993)

In the year 2041, the the United States is divided into two opposing blocs, the North Hemi and the Eastern Alliance. Now these two aren’t exactly bosom buddies, but they both really hate the pirates known as Centros who go around causing all manner of havoc. Can anyone stand in their way? Why yes, yes they can (because if the answer was “no” this would have been a very short film…)…two anyone’s in fact; a rogue mega-robot pilot (Don Michael Paul) and his pal Stumpy (James Staley…who, in a real humdinger of a twist has all of his appendages) who discover that dignitaries from the EA are out to steal the aforementioned scorpion shaped mechanical marvel (the last of it’s kind…or is it?). Anyway those evil bastards succeed, but our heroes…along with plucky archaeologist Leda (the legendary Barbara Crampton) discover a hidden mega-robot (this one humanoid in apperance)…which of course leads to a nice bout of robot asskickery! Simply put;

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 29, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Evolution of Evil (2017)

After a truly impressive opening of a car winding through secluded mountain roads viewed from above (think Kubrick, but doubtless shot utilizing a drone for a mere fraction of the cost of a helicopter…but damn does it look great), the story proper of Evolution of Evil gets underway; to wit: a young couple (maybe they are just friends…damned if I could tell), named Christopher and Lori for those of you keeping score at home, treks out to the middle of nowhere to get away from it all, and everything is artisanal beer and bratwurst until the silence of the night is split by distant gunshots. Well the following morning things go from pleasant to poopy as Chris is abducted (I know, right?!!) by some seriously fucked up woodsmen and subjected to all manner of rape and abuse (again, right?!!). Meanwhile Lori wanders the woods in a daze before being picked up by one of our batshit antagonists. What follows is

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 27, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Grave Caller (2017)

A young writer named Sam Talbot (Nathaniel Grauwelman) and his wife Veronica (Vanessa Cuccia) head out to a cabin in the sticks where he hopes to learn a lil’ somethin’ about the family tree…or the dark roots from which it grew. Finding his uncle’s diary, Sam learns that his alcoholic ancestor (Jacob Crickenberger) went a bit screwy after he witnessed his wife murdered by a psycho in a bunny mask (I loved this visual by the by)…or did he…I don’t really know, and neither will you (which is a plus if you ask me). Anyway, how will the sins of the past effect the present? I’m not telling…and I’m not even sure if I could! On the plus side, there are some beautiful visuals on display here (in particular in the surreal dream sequences), and the acting (in particular from Vanessa Cuccia as Veronica, and Jacob Crickenberger as the beleaguered Samuel were real stand outs) is mostly solid… The Grave

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 26, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Downrange (2018)

A group of young friends are travelling down a deserted road when they suffer a tire blow out. Things play out mundane A.F. until suddenly members of our gregarious gang start ending up well ventilated courtesy of bullets exploding through their skulls via a hidden sniper. Now the day has gone from sunny to shitty, will any of the friends survive the afternoon, and just who the hell is shooting at them and why? Directed by Ryûhei Kitamura (Godzilla: Final Wars, Versus), Downrange is a tight, simply told piece of suspense cinema that not only looks great, but backs plenty of grizzly gore (and I do mean plenty) into it’s ninety minute run time. There’s also a really cool piece of synth score that kicks in around thirty five minute mark that would be right at home in any random ’80’s slasher flick. On the flip side, though everyone does a great job in their respective roles, I didn’t know

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 26, 2018

More from DanXIII

Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Jurassic Games (2018)

Sometimes I can’t even believe the things I have to type for this column…like this for instance: In the future, death row convicts are forced to compete in a virtual reality game show called The Jurassic Games, where they have to fight dinosaurs to win their freedom…so, this is The Running Man with dinosaurs…this may actually be genius (I mean someone is eaten by a T-rex before even five minutes have passed, so that is a good sign). Alliances and rivalries are formed among the convicts, dinosaurs eat people, and even more story elements are lifted wholesale from the Schwarzenegger classic (including corruption behind the scenes of the games, the “hero” convict being wrongfully accused, merch of the show being advertised during the broadcast…and on and on). Look, no one is ever going to say The Jurassic Games is original (and if they do they may need serious psychiatric help), but I’ll be damned if the film isn’t entertaining. It’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 10, 2018
Horror Fuel

Short Film Review: Panther Ridge (2018)

Panther Ridge concerns the fateful night a young acolyte descends into the BDSM underground…and what starts as a fairly rote bondage and knife play scenario, soon spins massively out of control into a level of violence that goes beyond mere sexual gratification and straight into “Holy fuck, you people are out of your goddamned minds” in the blink of an eye (and flash of the blade). Coming from Writer/Director Ryan Swantek, Panther Ridge is an enigmatic and shockingly violent short subject. Clocking in at just over six minutes, the film introduces us to both a novice dominatrix, and her seasoned mentor, not to mention a well dressed man that seems to be guiding the operation…but who he is, who is watching the live feed (the entire event is being filmed by an obsidian camera that almost becomes a character itself, besides being a rather ominous phallic symbol), and other questions are never answered…which could be frustrating if handled poorly, but

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 10, 2018
Horror Fuel

DVD Review: Mad Foxes (1981)

Mad Foxes begins with Easy Rocker from Krokus blaring from the speakers…we may be off to something special here fiends… As far as what follows that sonic assault, it goes a lil’ something like this: Middle aged Hal is driving his (freshly turned) 18 year-old girlfriend out on a date in order to wine and dine her so she will let him be the one to ‘break the seal’ if you know what I mean (and if that bit of crass purple prose wasn’t clear enough for ya, the lady sits underneath a giant tacky painting of an oozing chocolate covered cherry), when he absolutely murders a Nazi biker, as one does. Of course that biker had equally as Nazi pals (at least indoors…their armbands have no swastikas in exterior shots, but they appear as if by magic inside) who arrive and beat the hell out of Hal and rape his girlfriend. Hal then naturally enlists a squad of martial

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 9, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Goran (2016)

Pity poor Goran (Franjo Dijak); all he wants to do is drink (a lot), drive his cab in the tiny isolated snow bound Croatian village he calls home, and hang out in a cabin with his BFF (Goran Bogdan) gettin’ his soak on…but unfortunately, his non-stop nag of a blind wife, Lina (Natasa Janjic) makes that increasingly difficult. Things carry on as usual until Lina announces she is pregnant, which goes over like a fart in a submarine for our hero, as he believes the child may not actually be his, but rather his sauna sittin’ pal mentioned previous. Well push comes to shove (literally) with disastrous results, and after a chemically enhanced Birthday party things get completely out of hand (read: incredibly violent and oh so very, very wrong)! Goran plays out like a relationship/family drama for nearly forty out of it’s eighty two minutes of run time (with credits), but then things go so incredibly south so incredibly

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 4, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Selfie From Hell (2018)

When pro-vlogger Julia (Meelah Adams) arrives in the states from Germany to visit her cousin Hannah (Alyson Walker) she brings a few things along for the trip…like the ability to cry sideways, and a strange shadowy figure that haunts her selfies, oh, and let’s not forget the ability to send text messages without using her god damned phone because she’s seemingly possessed, and also some sort of infection (that one is reasonable at least)…seriously; I’d ask this bitch to leave about 2 millifarts (it’s a real measurement…and it’s mega short believe me…I’m a reviewer, I know things…) after she walked across my threshold. Anyway, Hannah is a better person than your’s cruelly and instead plays nursemaid to her sickly/haunted cuz…while also launching into a full on Nancy Drew to search all of the deep (web), dark (net) online secrets Julia is keeping…mainly that she got involved in some seriously F’d up crap on a part of the internet none should

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 2, 2018
Horror Fuel

Short Film Review: My Monster (2018)

It’s always a good day here in the Crypt O’ XIII when I get to slap my putrid peepers on a new film from Izzy Lee (creator of one of my favorite short fright flicks of all time; Innsmouth), so let’s take a look at her new picture; My Monster! My Monster tells the Yuletide-set tale of Lily (Brea Grant) and her well-meaning lunkhead of a partner Rob (Adam Egypt Mortimer) who must contend with the fact that our heroine is having some seriously disturbing visions…namely of a figure calling to her from outside of her window each night. Well come to find out, this is no mere apparition, rather it is a creature from another dimension who has arrived on our plane of existence with a sinister purpose, that once fulfilled leads to delightfully absurd results! Filled with great paradigm shifting story elements, a cool, practically realized monster, a strong cast, and an unexpected sense of fun; My Monster

Continue reading →
DanXIII
May 1, 2018
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Robot Wars (1993)

In the year 2041, the the United States is divided into two opposing blocs, the North Hemi and the Eastern Alliance. Now these two aren’t exactly bosom buddies, but they both really hate the pirates known as Centros who go around causing all manner of havoc. Can anyone stand in their way? Why yes, yes they can (because if the answer was “no” this would have been a very short film…)…two anyone’s in fact; a rogue mega-robot pilot (Don Michael Paul) and his pal Stumpy (James Staley…who, in a real humdinger of a twist has all of his appendages) who discover that dignitaries from the EA are out to steal the aforementioned scorpion shaped mechanical marvel (the last of it’s kind…or is it?). Anyway those evil bastards succeed, but our heroes…along with plucky archaeologist Leda (the legendary Barbara Crampton) discover a hidden mega-robot (this one humanoid in apperance)…which of course leads to a nice bout of robot asskickery! Simply put;

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 29, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Evolution of Evil (2017)

After a truly impressive opening of a car winding through secluded mountain roads viewed from above (think Kubrick, but doubtless shot utilizing a drone for a mere fraction of the cost of a helicopter…but damn does it look great), the story proper of Evolution of Evil gets underway; to wit: a young couple (maybe they are just friends…damned if I could tell), named Christopher and Lori for those of you keeping score at home, treks out to the middle of nowhere to get away from it all, and everything is artisanal beer and bratwurst until the silence of the night is split by distant gunshots. Well the following morning things go from pleasant to poopy as Chris is abducted (I know, right?!!) by some seriously fucked up woodsmen and subjected to all manner of rape and abuse (again, right?!!). Meanwhile Lori wanders the woods in a daze before being picked up by one of our batshit antagonists. What follows is

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 27, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: The Grave Caller (2017)

A young writer named Sam Talbot (Nathaniel Grauwelman) and his wife Veronica (Vanessa Cuccia) head out to a cabin in the sticks where he hopes to learn a lil’ somethin’ about the family tree…or the dark roots from which it grew. Finding his uncle’s diary, Sam learns that his alcoholic ancestor (Jacob Crickenberger) went a bit screwy after he witnessed his wife murdered by a psycho in a bunny mask (I loved this visual by the by)…or did he…I don’t really know, and neither will you (which is a plus if you ask me). Anyway, how will the sins of the past effect the present? I’m not telling…and I’m not even sure if I could! On the plus side, there are some beautiful visuals on display here (in particular in the surreal dream sequences), and the acting (in particular from Vanessa Cuccia as Veronica, and Jacob Crickenberger as the beleaguered Samuel were real stand outs) is mostly solid… The Grave

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 26, 2018
Horror Fuel

Movie Review: Downrange (2018)

A group of young friends are travelling down a deserted road when they suffer a tire blow out. Things play out mundane A.F. until suddenly members of our gregarious gang start ending up well ventilated courtesy of bullets exploding through their skulls via a hidden sniper. Now the day has gone from sunny to shitty, will any of the friends survive the afternoon, and just who the hell is shooting at them and why? Directed by Ryûhei Kitamura (Godzilla: Final Wars, Versus), Downrange is a tight, simply told piece of suspense cinema that not only looks great, but backs plenty of grizzly gore (and I do mean plenty) into it’s ninety minute run time. There’s also a really cool piece of synth score that kicks in around thirty five minute mark that would be right at home in any random ’80’s slasher flick. On the flip side, though everyone does a great job in their respective roles, I didn’t know

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Apr 26, 2018
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