Horror Fuel
☰ Browse the Crypt
Tag

reviews

11 stories

Blu-ray Review: Giallo Essentials: Yellow (1973 – 1975)

Remember like 5 fuckin’ days ago (give or take) when I reviewed the first edition of Arrow Video’s new Giallo Essentials collections (that one dubbed “red”)? If not head here… All caught up? Peachy. Let’s dive in to the sinister selections present in round two… the “yellow” set (fitting as how “giallo” literally means “yellow”… but I’ll let you discover the German origins of that one on your own… ), if you will… First up comes 1974’s After a naked pregnant woman is found hung from the rafters in an attic (and not unlike an overcrowded submarine, she is packed to the gills with semen), Inspector Silvestri (Claudio Cassinelli) and Assistant District Attorney Vittoria Stori (Giovanna Ralli) spring into action. As the duo dig deeper they discover the victim was part of an under-age teenage prostitution ring whose “clients” (read: abusers) are some of your garden variety high society perverts. As the search widens, the bodies begin piling up…thanks to

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Dec 19, 2021
Horror Fuel

4K Ultra HD Review: Two Evil Eyes (1990)

Two Evil Eyes is an arcane anthology divided into two halves (it’s all there in the title folks), both directed by legendary horror directors (George A. Romero and Dario Argento for those keepin’ score at home) and based on the writing of Edgar Allan Poe (The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar and The Black Cat respectively). Let’s kick out the jams with Romero’s joint, shall we? Jessica Valdemar (Adrienne Barbeau) is what one would call “a reluctant shit-heel”; sure she’s conspiring with Dr. Robert Hoffman (Ramy Zada) to bilk her dying husband, Ernest (Bingo O’Malley) out of his vast fortune via hypnosis… but she doesn’t feel great about it, until the dough begins to be well in hand that is. As fate would have it, Ernest buys the farm, so Bob and Jess chuck his dead ass in a large freezer in the basement and carry on with the Devil’s business… which you’d imagine would go smoothly, but

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 9, 2021
Horror Fuel

Fear Crypt Unleash Two New Short Films!

Those delightfully devious devils over at the Fear Crypt Youtube channel have sent a deadly dup of sinister short films my way, and as such yours cruelly is going to give them the ol’ revoltin review treatment! First up we have Fused: Sarah (Sarah McGuire) has one hell of a nasty-ass skin condition, and that shit is spreadin’ faster than the town whore. Needless to say, her doctor (Jennifer Femiano) is baffled, and her paramour Cassie (Katie Rohlfing) is none to pleased by the disappearing act our heroine has pulled since this eerie epidermal nightmare has begun. Speaking of ol’ Cass; Sarah finally lets her in on the fact that she has been havin’ more blackouts than the town drunk (just what kind of town do I live in anyway?!!)… something she’s failed to inform her doc, and when Cassie offers to watch over her during one such unconscious episode she gets an eyeful of more than she bargained for!

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Dec 9, 2020
Horror Fuel

The Weird World of Wild Eye Releasing: Part One!

The fine fiends at Wild Eye Releasing must have known ol’ Dan XIII needed a bit of a jolt to round out his sinister summer, and they sent me a large selection of outre offerings to feast my putrid peepers upon! So, in the interest of offering my not so humble opinion on what the creepy company has on hand; I’m going to devote the next few columns to revotin’ reviews of their various terror tales! Part One of our deep dive will feature five, count ’em five titles available from Wild Eye Releasing; Virus of the Dead, The Velocipastor, The Baylock Residence, Pickaxe, and Ouija Shark! First up, Virus of the Dead: If there’s two things that cats what love the horror biz dig it’s arcane anthologies and zombies…so it stands to reason that many of you boils n’ ghouls would be curious to check out a flick that combines those things right? Well, you’re in luck because the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 18, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Before the five minute mark of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark; the titular character (portrayed by Cassandra Peterson) is groped by her new boss… and then she proceeds to quit her shitty job, and push that grabby bastard right through a desk. This is because Elvira kicks major ass… and guess what, so does this film! After the aforementioned bad touch; Elvira plans on taking her act (which seems to vary from Horror Host to Vegas showgirl… and some unholy combination of both) to Vegas… but her prospective producers are demanding a large sum to put on her show… and with her source of income now in the zero range, that ain’t gonna happen. Luckily our heroine gets a telegram informing her that her Great-Aunt Morgana has gone tits up, and Elvira is set to score big in the will; so she loads up her creepy caddy (the Macabre-mobile by name) and drives off to Fallwell, Massachusetts, where shortly after

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 7, 2020
Horror Fuel

Short Film Review: ALIEN: 40th Anniversary Shorts (2019)

The original Alien film turns 40 this year, and the folks at 20th Century Fox and Tongal are set to give you six sinister servings of zippy xenomorph goodness (yeah, I stole this from my initial blurb…if it ain’t broke yo…) via a selection of sinister shorts that will be running from…well today, to April 26th with one new film premiering each week on IGN…but, me being me, I’m going to give you my opinion of each of these fright flicks right fuckin’ now! Premiering today (March 29th as of this writing) is ALIEN: Containment: A small group find themselves stranded in a deep space escape pod, and one of them has been contaminated by an alien organism. What follows is a tense lil’ take on the tried and true tropes of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None with an enjoyable science fiction twist. Written and Directed by Chris Reading, this is a solid little slice of sci-fi paranoia

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 29, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018)

Young orphan Lewis (Owen Vaccaro) is the type of kid that takes to memorizing dictionaries rather than engaging in the folly of youth. Anyway, Lewis soon takes up residence with his eccentric clock obsessed uncle Jonathon (Jack Black) in his Victorian mansion…a mansion filled with living furniture and more magic than most households (which admittedly hover somewhere around zero on the magic-o-meter). It doesn’t take Lewis long to learn that Jonathan is a real life warlock, and his associate Florence Zimmerman (Cate Blanchett) is no slouch in that department either, which is a damn good thing as the house was once owned by an evil warlock named Isaac Izard (Kyle MacLachlan) who left a clock hidden within the mansion walls that can bring about doomsday when it’s countdown ends. Can our erstwhile heroes find the demonic timepiece before the end of the world…and before Izard himself arrives from the afterlife? Filled with magic, monsters, re-animated corpses, a heartfelt story-line involving

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Dec 18, 2018
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Next Generation (1994)

Four teenage stereotypes; the horny popular dude, the mousy girly (played by Renée Zellweger of all people), the stoner, and the beautiful good girl head out on a drive after a prom night dust-up between good n’ horny (now available at our concession stand). As they tear ass around the Texas back roads they end up having an accident and seek help at a titty-flashin’ real estate agent’s office. The agent, Darla (Tonie Perensky) by name, calls her boyfriend Vilmer (I’m not going to tell you who plays him…alright, alright, alright, it’s Matthew McConaughey) to help out the troubled teens. Of course he’s a psycho (and a partially hydraulic powered one to boot), and soon our gang of goofs run afoul of ol’ Leatherface (Robert Jacks) and the rest of Vilmer’s crazed clan. Soon you’ll be wondering who will survive, and what will be left of them…or at least how some of the people involved had such huge careers after

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Dec 17, 2018
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Schlock (1973)

Schlock begins in the aftermath of a mass killing by the Banana Killer, so named because he leaves a banana peel at the scene of every crime. Experts predict that the murders will only increase, and police don’t have a clue as to the killer’s identity. Meanwhile, a group of teens explore a cave and discover just what is committing the crimes; a violence prone missing link, more ape than man! Once discovered, the brute terrorizes the countryside leaving murder and mayhem in it’s wake! From the description above, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Schlock is a straight up fright flick, but let me assure you it is anything but! Full of sight and running gags, corny jokes, ridiculous characters, and a fantastic creature suit by a young Rick Baker (with writer/director John Landis crammed inside); Schlock may be one of the most ludicrous, and hilarious horror comedies (a genre Landis would return to eight years later with 1981’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 4, 2018
Horror Fuel

When Filmmakers Strike Back

Keyboard Warriors A bane of social media is the “Inspirational Tweeter.” This is the person whose life is going so well, they feel the need to tell you how you too can find the happiness they have. They’re a digital Hallmark Card, the cyber chicken soup for the soul. It’s amazing how much annoyance can be packed into 140 characters. Another facet is the “Hipster Movie Reviewer.” These are the folks (usually male) with a blog or You Tube Channel who think they know about movies. Some are ballsy enough to take on real reviewers like Scott Weinberg and tell THEM how they’re wrong or “set them straight” especially when it comes to super hero or Adam Sandler films. These “reviewers” usually have little production value. Their videos are shot with no lighting or professional sound and while some have under 50 views they usually start their critiques with “Hey Everyone…” Everyone? You mean the 6 viewers minus the ones

Continue reading →
Capt McNeely
Aug 12, 2015

More from reviews

Blu-ray Review: Giallo Essentials: Yellow (1973 – 1975)

Remember like 5 fuckin’ days ago (give or take) when I reviewed the first edition of Arrow Video’s new Giallo Essentials collections (that one dubbed “red”)? If not head here… All caught up? Peachy. Let’s dive in to the sinister selections present in round two… the “yellow” set (fitting as how “giallo” literally means “yellow”… but I’ll let you discover the German origins of that one on your own… ), if you will… First up comes 1974’s After a naked pregnant woman is found hung from the rafters in an attic (and not unlike an overcrowded submarine, she is packed to the gills with semen), Inspector Silvestri (Claudio Cassinelli) and Assistant District Attorney Vittoria Stori (Giovanna Ralli) spring into action. As the duo dig deeper they discover the victim was part of an under-age teenage prostitution ring whose “clients” (read: abusers) are some of your garden variety high society perverts. As the search widens, the bodies begin piling up…thanks to

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Dec 19, 2021
Horror Fuel

4K Ultra HD Review: Two Evil Eyes (1990)

Two Evil Eyes is an arcane anthology divided into two halves (it’s all there in the title folks), both directed by legendary horror directors (George A. Romero and Dario Argento for those keepin’ score at home) and based on the writing of Edgar Allan Poe (The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar and The Black Cat respectively). Let’s kick out the jams with Romero’s joint, shall we? Jessica Valdemar (Adrienne Barbeau) is what one would call “a reluctant shit-heel”; sure she’s conspiring with Dr. Robert Hoffman (Ramy Zada) to bilk her dying husband, Ernest (Bingo O’Malley) out of his vast fortune via hypnosis… but she doesn’t feel great about it, until the dough begins to be well in hand that is. As fate would have it, Ernest buys the farm, so Bob and Jess chuck his dead ass in a large freezer in the basement and carry on with the Devil’s business… which you’d imagine would go smoothly, but

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 9, 2021
Horror Fuel

Fear Crypt Unleash Two New Short Films!

Those delightfully devious devils over at the Fear Crypt Youtube channel have sent a deadly dup of sinister short films my way, and as such yours cruelly is going to give them the ol’ revoltin review treatment! First up we have Fused: Sarah (Sarah McGuire) has one hell of a nasty-ass skin condition, and that shit is spreadin’ faster than the town whore. Needless to say, her doctor (Jennifer Femiano) is baffled, and her paramour Cassie (Katie Rohlfing) is none to pleased by the disappearing act our heroine has pulled since this eerie epidermal nightmare has begun. Speaking of ol’ Cass; Sarah finally lets her in on the fact that she has been havin’ more blackouts than the town drunk (just what kind of town do I live in anyway?!!)… something she’s failed to inform her doc, and when Cassie offers to watch over her during one such unconscious episode she gets an eyeful of more than she bargained for!

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Dec 9, 2020
Horror Fuel

The Weird World of Wild Eye Releasing: Part One!

The fine fiends at Wild Eye Releasing must have known ol’ Dan XIII needed a bit of a jolt to round out his sinister summer, and they sent me a large selection of outre offerings to feast my putrid peepers upon! So, in the interest of offering my not so humble opinion on what the creepy company has on hand; I’m going to devote the next few columns to revotin’ reviews of their various terror tales! Part One of our deep dive will feature five, count ’em five titles available from Wild Eye Releasing; Virus of the Dead, The Velocipastor, The Baylock Residence, Pickaxe, and Ouija Shark! First up, Virus of the Dead: If there’s two things that cats what love the horror biz dig it’s arcane anthologies and zombies…so it stands to reason that many of you boils n’ ghouls would be curious to check out a flick that combines those things right? Well, you’re in luck because the

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Aug 18, 2020
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Before the five minute mark of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark; the titular character (portrayed by Cassandra Peterson) is groped by her new boss… and then she proceeds to quit her shitty job, and push that grabby bastard right through a desk. This is because Elvira kicks major ass… and guess what, so does this film! After the aforementioned bad touch; Elvira plans on taking her act (which seems to vary from Horror Host to Vegas showgirl… and some unholy combination of both) to Vegas… but her prospective producers are demanding a large sum to put on her show… and with her source of income now in the zero range, that ain’t gonna happen. Luckily our heroine gets a telegram informing her that her Great-Aunt Morgana has gone tits up, and Elvira is set to score big in the will; so she loads up her creepy caddy (the Macabre-mobile by name) and drives off to Fallwell, Massachusetts, where shortly after

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Jun 7, 2020
Horror Fuel

Short Film Review: ALIEN: 40th Anniversary Shorts (2019)

The original Alien film turns 40 this year, and the folks at 20th Century Fox and Tongal are set to give you six sinister servings of zippy xenomorph goodness (yeah, I stole this from my initial blurb…if it ain’t broke yo…) via a selection of sinister shorts that will be running from…well today, to April 26th with one new film premiering each week on IGN…but, me being me, I’m going to give you my opinion of each of these fright flicks right fuckin’ now! Premiering today (March 29th as of this writing) is ALIEN: Containment: A small group find themselves stranded in a deep space escape pod, and one of them has been contaminated by an alien organism. What follows is a tense lil’ take on the tried and true tropes of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None with an enjoyable science fiction twist. Written and Directed by Chris Reading, this is a solid little slice of sci-fi paranoia

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Mar 29, 2019
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018)

Young orphan Lewis (Owen Vaccaro) is the type of kid that takes to memorizing dictionaries rather than engaging in the folly of youth. Anyway, Lewis soon takes up residence with his eccentric clock obsessed uncle Jonathon (Jack Black) in his Victorian mansion…a mansion filled with living furniture and more magic than most households (which admittedly hover somewhere around zero on the magic-o-meter). It doesn’t take Lewis long to learn that Jonathan is a real life warlock, and his associate Florence Zimmerman (Cate Blanchett) is no slouch in that department either, which is a damn good thing as the house was once owned by an evil warlock named Isaac Izard (Kyle MacLachlan) who left a clock hidden within the mansion walls that can bring about doomsday when it’s countdown ends. Can our erstwhile heroes find the demonic timepiece before the end of the world…and before Izard himself arrives from the afterlife? Filled with magic, monsters, re-animated corpses, a heartfelt story-line involving

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Dec 18, 2018
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Next Generation (1994)

Four teenage stereotypes; the horny popular dude, the mousy girly (played by Renée Zellweger of all people), the stoner, and the beautiful good girl head out on a drive after a prom night dust-up between good n’ horny (now available at our concession stand). As they tear ass around the Texas back roads they end up having an accident and seek help at a titty-flashin’ real estate agent’s office. The agent, Darla (Tonie Perensky) by name, calls her boyfriend Vilmer (I’m not going to tell you who plays him…alright, alright, alright, it’s Matthew McConaughey) to help out the troubled teens. Of course he’s a psycho (and a partially hydraulic powered one to boot), and soon our gang of goofs run afoul of ol’ Leatherface (Robert Jacks) and the rest of Vilmer’s crazed clan. Soon you’ll be wondering who will survive, and what will be left of them…or at least how some of the people involved had such huge careers after

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Dec 17, 2018
Horror Fuel

Blu-ray Review: Schlock (1973)

Schlock begins in the aftermath of a mass killing by the Banana Killer, so named because he leaves a banana peel at the scene of every crime. Experts predict that the murders will only increase, and police don’t have a clue as to the killer’s identity. Meanwhile, a group of teens explore a cave and discover just what is committing the crimes; a violence prone missing link, more ape than man! Once discovered, the brute terrorizes the countryside leaving murder and mayhem in it’s wake! From the description above, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Schlock is a straight up fright flick, but let me assure you it is anything but! Full of sight and running gags, corny jokes, ridiculous characters, and a fantastic creature suit by a young Rick Baker (with writer/director John Landis crammed inside); Schlock may be one of the most ludicrous, and hilarious horror comedies (a genre Landis would return to eight years later with 1981’s

Continue reading →
DanXIII
Sep 4, 2018
Horror Fuel

When Filmmakers Strike Back

Keyboard Warriors A bane of social media is the “Inspirational Tweeter.” This is the person whose life is going so well, they feel the need to tell you how you too can find the happiness they have. They’re a digital Hallmark Card, the cyber chicken soup for the soul. It’s amazing how much annoyance can be packed into 140 characters. Another facet is the “Hipster Movie Reviewer.” These are the folks (usually male) with a blog or You Tube Channel who think they know about movies. Some are ballsy enough to take on real reviewers like Scott Weinberg and tell THEM how they’re wrong or “set them straight” especially when it comes to super hero or Adam Sandler films. These “reviewers” usually have little production value. Their videos are shot with no lighting or professional sound and while some have under 50 views they usually start their critiques with “Hey Everyone…” Everyone? You mean the 6 viewers minus the ones

Continue reading →
Capt McNeely
Aug 12, 2015
Next →